Have We Been Properly Introduced?

Homelessness for Stupid People

The foibles of the most pampered homeless population in the Bay Area...

Someone posted to me that I should blog about what I do for other people... this isn't going to be what that person had in mind, not by a long shot. If I do do something nice for someone, I'm not going to talk about it. Glory is never a good reason to do someone a favour. Giving should never be done with the expectation of reward on any level. Most parents understand this... at least, I hope they do.

This column is not just for the homeless. It's for everyone. But it is definitely for the homeless, especially those who are truly trying. I'm hoping it's part of the solution... maybe I'll find out someday... But I hope you read it with your own life in mind...

Oh, and people (you homeless people out there)... stop talking! Keep your mouth shut for a while and listen. Many of you aren't very good at listening with anything but your lips flapping... it's something a lot of you need to work on!

What I am going to talk about is something of a lost art. It's an art that needs to make a roaring come back...

Have you ever, in your life, been speaking with two people, friends to you, strangers to each other, and failed to introduce them? I have. It took me a very long time to understand how rude a thing this is.

You may laugh, of course. I believe it was some story involving some Southern Belle or another (maybe it was Gone With The Wind) in which some woman told a man she could not speak with him because they had not been properly introduced. I cannot remember when I first heard of this, but I was very young and it struck me, at the time, as being a ridiculous evasion.

The problem is this: as I grew older and realized that people truly do desire to make human connections (at least, normal people desire that). A proper introduction is one of the best gifts you can give. Humility, shyness and embarrassment are barriers a Proper Introduction overcomes.

For the homeless, and for, I am quite sure, many other circumstances, proper introductions can make life easier. Bob and Donna McKenzie who work the Warming Centre every evening it's open, understand this instinctively. They make sure each new person that comes in is introduced to those who can help the most amongst their fellow homeless.

An introduction will let people know if they can be comfortable with this new person. It is an invitation to attempt conversation, and conversation breeds comfort.

It also accomplishes something else very important, especially amongst the homeless. It allows people who may have difficulty with social graces develop those necessary skills.

If you think that's hyperbole, consider this: how many people do not get a job because they lack social graces? Hmmmmm?

The more people one has contact with, the more feedback they will get as to what is and is not acceptable. Just an aside: I told a friend today that she raised her voice inappropriately... she said she was thankful and asked me to continue doing it. That just happens to be something I strongly believe a real friend will do. Honesty and trust are important between friends. Brutal Honesty delivered well is equally important. (In case you didn't notice, brutal honesty is a running theme in this blog...)

A proper introduction offers comfort to those around you. Introducing that guy to that girl might not seem like a big deal to you... but it may be for them! Introducing that business man to that guy who's looking for work... introducing that kid to that font of seemingly useless information... Introducing anyone to anyone... do it, sit back, and watch what happens!

Before I go on, I have to define what I mean when I say “Friend.” A friendship, a real one, is based on trust and respect of the highest order. A friend is someone you bounce ideas off. It's someone with whom you share events in your life. It's someone who shows you patience, understanding and gives you feedback based on what you tell them and how much trust you show them. Friendship is a very vulnerable state to be in. If you've ever had a friend, or someone you thought was a friend, betray you, you'll understand this.

Imagine (and some of you do not have to) that your friend is a former lover, ex spouse, or someone very, very close to you of the opposite sex (or not, if you're of a different persuasion). Suddenly you meet that very special someone who you fall madly in love with. You may find yourself in a quandary. This new person in your life, are you going to keep them away from your ex or that friend? Is it suddenly awkward for you to be friends with that trusted person?

The best course of action, in my opinion, is to make that introduction. Allow them to engage and learn from that experience who these two are by how they relate to each other.

Allow the two of them to decide if they will get along. A real friend will respect your lover, and a true love will respect that you have a good friend. If there's conflict between them, ask them to work it out. Don't stand in the middle or try to keep them apart. It will crush you and be miserable for the two of them. The point is this, the two of them will let you know if that friendship is going to be a real problem after the introduction is made. If it's a problem before it's made, that's a different situation, and you should either reconsider your friendship or your new love, depending on who has the problem...

If you attend a church or synagogue, it's highly likely you've made friends there. Now, I go to Cedar Grove, and one of the things people do practice there are proper introductions, so I've met quite a few people. I haven't really met anyone I don't like at Church, though forming connections is never guaranteed. Those that are uncomfortable with you simply won't form that connection after being introduced, for whatever reason.

Note, please, that I would not introduce someone I do not trust to someone that I trust without making it clear to the person I trust if I make that introduction at all. I would not, for instance, introduce anyone to Adam Parris. I would (and have) pointed him out to people.

Human Connections is how communities form. It's how we, as people, learn to be good to each other. It's how we, as people, learn not to be selfish. In the long run, human connections solve more problems than they cause and forms a bulwark against those that would do harm.

All of it can start with a proper introduction.