Cruel to be Kind...

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind... in the right measure... was that a song?

Have you ever had a friend that stank? And I mean REEKED! Did you grit and bear it, and not say anything for fear of offending him or her?

I say this as I stink of cigarette smoke. Excuse me while I pop and Altoids...

Thankfully, my young friend Jackie is forward enough to let me know when my breath is bad. I've told her repeatedly how much I appreciate it when she does. It's important for anyone, not just the homeless, to understand when they're making a bad impression on people around them. One of the worst things you can do to people around you is offend their noses.

I had to tell my friend Kyle today to get his rear end over to Asbury, get a shower, get a change of clothing and shave his face. This morning I had to tell him he was scaring people, which he has been.

I don't know what's wrong with Kyle. Was it drugs? Is it some form of mental illness or is it a combination of the two?

Like most people who know Kyle, I think of him as a big, playful, dumb, black lab. (Kyle's been told this, and he's fine with it, by the way). All play, no cares. But when he's chastised on any level, he feels it deeply. I've had to do that several times in the last few days. I wish I knew what was going on with him, but I have no way of knowing unless he gives me some hints. He's not hinting... yet...

Keeping Kyle's behaviour in check has been difficult of late. Another man who washes the police cars for the LPD was terrorized by Kyle the other day. Kyle scared the bejeezus out of the poor man who has issues of his own. I was fortunate enough to speak with him afterwards and find this out directly from him so I could speak with Kyle.

In case you mistake me, I tend to write pretty much the same way I speak. I try not to pull punches. I'd rather be completely up front and honest and say what I mean and mean what I say. What you're reading is pretty much what you get. With Kyle, this is necessary or the point does not get across.

Kyle's deeper issues notwithstanding, I like Kyle. He's a good guy for the most part, and I don't believe he means to cause the trouble he does. Nobody outside his family can help him solve his issues, but those of us around him CAN help him cope and not be a problem for those around him. Perhaps this is like putting a bandaid on a gaping wound, but it's the best we can do. Being perfectly honest, consistent and, at times, harsh is part of it. We laugh with him when he's funny. We laugh at him when he screws up. We know he's a good guy because he can laugh at himself!

Just an aside, I've learned not to trust anyone who cannot laugh at themselves. It's probably the biggest hint about your trustworthiness. Not always, but often enough...

My philosophy on how I deal with Kyle, and those like Kyle, is this: it is far more cruel a thing to say nothing and allow them to continue making these mistakes, and I hope that those around me who consider me a friend will not hesitate to show me the same.

I have a, well, a former friend, who began shunning me several months ago. Whenever I approached her about it, she swore I was imagining things. I've since given up, and I suppose that's what she wanted, but it caused me a great deal of anguish trying to understand what it was I did that was so offensive. I'll never know. I see this as an intensely hostile and cruel thing to do to anyone. My experience with this former friend has served to re-enforce my attitude regarding being up front with people.

I've blogged before about politeness and how horrible a thing I think it is. I believe most people think being polite and having manners are the same thing. They are not. Having manners means you make sure your actions do not stifle those around you. It's good manners, for instance, not to stink. It's good manners not to make a mess or to clean up after yourself. It's good manners to offer to help someone struggling. Being polite seems to be more about evasion than human connection. A polite person, for instance, would never tell Kyle he was stinking so bad people have to leave the room... (and in a business setting, this is bad, bad, bad! It wasn't just people, they were customers!)

Politeness sucks. Sorry, it does!

So, folks, please be honest with your friends about what they're doing and how they're affecting others! If you don't, you're being very, very cruel!